Rainbows in our windows …
Happy new year we cheered
Fresh starts
New beginnings
New love
New life
for some
Then things changed
Things started to get weird, strange times were just around the corner
And all those hopes and dreams were temporarily put on hold
For something that was beyond our control
Mass panic buying in shops
Disreguard for those not as fortunate as ourselves
As they looked disbondently at
All the empty shelves
Human contact was restrictly forbidden
And we were forced to stay apart from those we love
We socially distanced two metres apart
Latex gloves ,hand gel ,face masks became the norm
We found time to reflect on all the things that really mattered
We cleaned
We baked
We pottered in the garden
We zoomed
Skirting boards gleamed as we sat in the garden
Face timing friends as we ate banana bread
We washed our hands to the
tune of happy birthday
We clapped on Thursday for
all those who kept us safe and kept us going
and we morned those who passed
as the numbers kept on rising
Acts of kindness
Each gesture was never too small and under appreciated
And soon we pray that isolation will be over
And whenever that time maybe
Because with everything
There is always a start , a middle and an end
This is not forever
So for those of us who have been apart
When this is done never let go of those who hold a special place in your heart
Mehefin Bolland 2020
Tablets on toast…
Alarm clock rings
Birds sing
Half awake
The bedside lights are still burning
I’m still afraid to sleep in the dark these days
in case the demons return
And I’ve noticed I’ve lost my place in the book I was reading
Before I fell into a dreamlike state
Awake
I am conscious not just of my surroundings
But that my mood has flatlined whilst I’ve been sleeping
Barely I crawl out of bed
I don’t shower
Or dress
Its not the kind of day for effort
I make my way to the kitchen
With glass half empty
And toast on my plate
I pop the pills 1, 2, 3, and 4 onto the toast
But I don’t feel full
Like cheese and beans would make me feel
Tablets on toast just make me feel numb
Until I feel sleepy
Whilst all round me their day has just begun
Mehefin Bolland © 2018
Open…
I want to delve inside your heart
To understand what makes it tick
I need to taste you
To know if you’re really bitter or sweet
I need to look through your eyes
To see the beauty that you see
To feel the vibrations of malleus, incus and stapes
So I can understand the sounds that make you dance
To crawl beneath your skin
In order for me to feel every emotion that you feel
I want to explore every inch of you, until I find your soul
And when I do
I will open up to you and tell you how I really feel
Because my gut is saying you feel like home
Mehefin Bolland © 2017
Regret …
Would we ever have got past the ‘seven-year itch’?
Would our bed have become a bed of death?
I guess we’ll never know
Why did we give up on us too easily , me and you
Couldn’t we have fought harder to save our love?
I suppose life and distance always seemed to get in the way
Yet despite this no one could ever replace you
You are the frozen prayer, the miracle
I asked for
Back then
When my life was missing a piece
I now realise was you
I still speak of you in the present not the past
Because you’ve never really left have you?
You are my biggest regret for I should never have let you go
You are a constant presence that lurks beneath my skin
That stirs whenever I think of you
A temptation I must try to ignore
Mehefin Bolland © 2018
Rain down on me…
Rain down on me
Baptise me
Allow this blackness to disperse and disappear
For I have grieved far too long for those living and dead
It is if I do not hear the music anymore
I hear a strange lamentation instead
For those that were taken from me too soon or
were lost in heights of love
Rain down on me
So I may open my eyes to see the colour of her hair
Set fire to the sun
Let her warm this dead heart of mine
And let me hear the music once more
Mehefin Bolland © 2018
Linger…
If I was asked what is If I was asked what is my favourite day would be\nI have two I would reply\nSaturday and Sunday\nAnd it would be said without hesitation\nFor these are the days I like to wake before you\nJust so I can watch you sleep a while\nAnd wonder what you are dreaming\nFor there are all the days in between\nwhen I have no time to linger\nTo take time to appreciate your beauty\nSo here I lie with my head on my pillow facing you\nTrying not to move\nAs your arm is draped across my belly\nI do not want to disturb you\nSo I lie perfectly still\nWhilst I with photographic eye\nI capture your image to hang in the darkroom of my mind\nFor those times when we are apart and you are working through the night\nSometimes you pretend to be sleep\nDon’t think I don’t know\nBut the corners of your mouth begin to smile\nGive the game away\nYet you allow me to take you all in\nAnd when I am done\nWith your eyes still shut\nYou whisper in my ear\nMorning\nl says it back\nAnd with eyes closed we lie face to face\nBecause on days like this we can linger\nJune Bolland © 2016my favourite day would be
I have two I would reply
Saturday and Sunday
And it would be said without hesitation
For these are the days I like to wake before you
Just so I can watch you sleep a while
And wonder what you are dreaming
For there are all the days in between
when I have no time to linger
To take time to appreciate your beauty
So here I lie with my head on my pillow facing you
Trying not to move
As your arm is draped across my belly
I do not want to disturb you
So I lie perfectly still
Whilst I with photographic eye
I capture your image to hang in the darkroom of my mind
For those times when we are apart and you are working through the night
Sometimes you pretend to be sleep
Don’t think I don’t know
But the corners of your mouth begin to smile
Give the game away
Yet you allow me to take you all in
And when I am done
With your eyes still shut
You whisper in my ear
Morning
l says it back
And with eyes closed we lie face to face
Because on days like this we can linger
June Bolland © 2016
Legacy of words…
Quietly I sit looking for inspiration
As I try to unlock the words captive inside the cage in my mind
And all I am left with is the feeling of frustration
Of not being able
To set my thoughts free
To run across this empty page
That lies before me
There are so many things J
That I need to say
I sense you watching me from other side of the room
Briefly I break my concentration
and this comfortable silence that we sit to look at you
To ask if you’re ok
Yes you reply , but there is just one question you ask
Why do you need to write
Without hesitation
I reply for you!
To give you affirmation that my love for you is true
To show you the gratitude for you loving me and for allowing me to love you back too
And most important I continue to say my words they are a gift from me to you, a legacy
If for whatever reason I’m no longer a part of your journey
I hope you can look back on my memory of words
And know
that I was very much in love with you
June Bolland © 2016
Cross outs
Its that time between dusk and dawn
The time for lovers
To rediscover one another
This is time I miss with you
When we had endless chats
Time when we laughed
as we tried not to wake the neighbours next door
(God I miss your laughter)
And when I was feeling blue
You’d get up and make me a brew
and climb back into bed and snuggle
me in close to you so I could breath you in
(God I miss your smell)
I sometimes used to count down the hours
just to be alone with you
But now things have changed
The bed feels very strange
without you lying here next to me
I can still picture you engrossed in a book
Whilst I waited patiently for you to put it down so we could fuck
(God I miss the taste of you, I miss the softness of your skin)
But now the time between dusk and dawn
Is spent thinking about you
Its a time when the tears that have gathered all through the day finally flow free
Its a time for me to write down over and over
To summarise how I feel about life, how I feel about you, about us
But so many times I cross out what I want to write and start again
I often wish life was just as simple
That we could cross out all the bad bits and start over again
Because I want if I’m being honest, is to cross out what went wrong
And for me to be lying next to you,
watching you whilst your engrossed in your book waiting patiently for you to put it down
Because its that time between dusk and dawn
The time for lovers
To rediscover one another once again
© J Bolland 2016
3am Lyrics…
12 months on
Do I sarcastically raise a glass to the fact that I survived
Or do I wallow because secretly I’m broken
without you here beside my side
Truth is all I know is I regret that day
That I finally drove you away
I remember the tears we both cried
That day we realised no matter how hard we tried There was no more us
There was
Just a you
Just a me
I’ve tried to move on
I’ve tried to stop the emptiness
that occupies my mind
With the company of friends
But they are no substitute for you
They don’t get me like you do
(like you did)
There is an emptiness that lies next to me in bed
And no more words of devotion come in my head
There’s a longing in me
That feeling of love still lingers there for you
Because no one touched me like you do
(Like you did )
Early hours come and go
But your arms no longer wrap around me and wake me from my slumber
So many nights I have resisted calling your number
So in the early hours of the morn when I have the urge to talk to you
I instead outpour my feelings onto the page
I write because I am confused
I write for you my muse
But if the words are not there I play ‘our ‘ song
In order to remember all the good times we had
Before everything went wrong
So if you read my words
Because I know you do
remember those ‘ 3am lyrics’
Hold nothing but the truth
They say everything I feel about you
12 months on
© June Bolland 2016
Across the open skies…
There’s an old black bag
That looks like a bird with torn wings of ragged plastic
It’s become entangled in the winter branches of the tree at the bottom of the garden
Every morning I open the curtains
Look up to see it still sitting there
I watch whilst opportunistic magpies gang up and try and torment it
I can tell it wants to free itself from its prison
But bedraggled all it can do is wait
For the weather to change
For winds to pick up
So it reserves its energy
Then the day arrives the branches of the sycamore begin to sway
This is its only chance to be free
Furiously flapping its tired wings
Finally it breaks free
And once more it soars across the open skies
I smile
© June Bolland 2016
Truce…
My heart is over ruling my head today with random thoughts of you
I try and convince myself it will pass
I realised I asked too much of you
pulling you in
pushing you away
promising you the world
A promise I could not deliver
my bipolar saw to that
I realise my heart , it’s rhythm is slower these days
because you are no longer here to make it beat fast
but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today
Its making me think of happier times
Things I thought I’d put to bed
Random thoughts that now make me search out the box in my bed side draw, the one that holds our rings
I take yours out and gently hold it like I’m holding you again
My heart is asking my mind questions it has no right to ask
It’s wondering if I called you would say “Hello”
I’d ask you if we could call a truce on the love and hate thing that we’ve had going on
cos I hear your on you’re own again
and I’m thinking that you could do with a shoulder right now
But maybe not , as I said I cannot give promises I cannot keep
But maybe all I really want to say to you is I fucked up and well my heart still misses you, but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today
© June Bolland 2016
Love divine…
You did not care about my monstrous shape
And the snarled expression etched upon my face
You did not recognise the hideous beast
That I thought was me
You gave me a place of tranquillity
A place where I could be at peace
Perched up there high
Upon your spire
And as the night drew in
You’d usher me down
From my solitude
To frolic between your transept’s
And dance up and down your aisle
amongst the crevices of your nave
Until I reached your chancel screen
Where beyond laid your inner chapel
Ordained with such beauty
Your Alter laid
And on bended knee
You offered me your holy sacrament
And as I did I tasted the sweetness of your wine
A crescendo of bells would begin to sing
And the moon lit up the transcendent windows to your soul
Copyright June Bolland 2015
Absence…
How long has it been now ?
Since the great silence descended
How long has it been now ?
Since the nights became lonely and darker
How long has it been now ?
Since this void replaced you
The truth is I can’t ask you
as your absence is all too clear
So I shall have to answer my own questions
Not long enough do you hear
Does that surprise you my dear
What did you expect my world to come crashing down without you here to hold it up
See this is the madness of love
It can turn completely on its head
I once loved you so much
I’d have given you that world that I speak of
But now I can barely utter your name sometimes without having such feelings of contempt
It saddens me to think of you that way
But my absence has left you with a void you have quickly filled
It has allowed you to fill the silence with someone else’s laughter and make your nights no longer lonely or darker
Now I am not bitter at knowing this
You know me better than that
I just hope she makes you happier than
I did
Just promise me one thing though
If things do get difficult don’t run and hide , face up to them , challenge them
Do not give up like you did on us
Do not allow someone else to feel your absence .
Mantra’s …
They make write notes on neatly
torn pieces of paper… Mantra’s
They make me read them over and over again because my mind needs to be fed
In order to sustain the heightened sense it seems to be in
Yet my consciousness is locked away in a little box they will not allow it be free
In angst I cry in frustration in being me
This is not the life I wish to lead
I cannot live without solid foundations
But the mantras tell everything will be ok
and who am I not to believe
In my state of heightened frustration
June Bolland Copyright 2015
Ink…
My thoughts flow from the ink of my pen
Only for their pain they write to be stemmed by the paper they are written on
I so want to write of love and happier times
and of memories of when my fingertips once explored all of you
But the ink that flows
now only stains my fingertips with its ink so black
Its colour has invaded my heart, my soul
As I know there cannot be anymore happy memories to write about
I have to instead write of closure and leave behind heartfelt sentiments and feelings I still wish to express
And so the words I now write are full of sadness and are numb
For knowing that no more words will express my love for you and the memories we once shared when my fingertips once explored all of you
Copyright June Bolland 2015
Blue eyes…
I’m readjusting to the silence
instead of conversing with you
I’m relying on one way conversations that now resonate in my brain
I’m recollecting the reasons why I fell in love with you
Maybe it had something to do with fact your eyes were an incredible blue
Maybe the colour attracted me
As I was familiar with the colour blue
The blue of my bipolar
But then I realised your eyes were not an ice cold blue
Like the thousand tears I cried before I met youu
There was a warmth to them
they reminded me of the colour of the ocean
they invited me in
That day I fell in love with you
but loving someone with bipolar is a difficult thing to do ,
But for you falling in love with me was never going to be easy
there were minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months
when I inexcusable hurt you and just pushed you away
But there were so many beautiful times when I drew you close into me
These are the times I’ll shall recollect
For no one in my past or in my future will ever compare to you
For you will always be my special
one with your eyes so blue
Copyright June Bolland 2015
When the whole world is as one…
A very short posting. Firstly it was wonderful monumental day on 26 June 2015 in the US but since then It has become apparent that the new celebratepride app/ photo profile that is trending on Facebook has gone viral. As a lesbian I would of thought I would of joined in this trend but I can’t because there are 79 countries left in the world where it is illegal to be a homosexual. How could I celebrate when many can’t. It would leave a very bitter taste in my mouth. So when homosexuality is no longer illegal in any country , when it is no longer punishable by life in prison or death then I’ll celebrate from the rooftops
The right decision?…
Clouds of doubt
Over shadow my mind
Of how I miss the little things we use to do
I miss keeping your hand warm in my pocket on cold winter days
I miss waking to the now void that was once occupied by you
I miss driving you to work and waving you off
I miss our morning chats before the sun was barely up in the sky
But most of all I miss the softness of your skin
All the things we (I) took for granted
It hurts to think I’ll no longer share these things with you
I sometimes wonder
Did we make the right decision
To allow this illness that renders
my mind Incapable of logical thought
and allows it to continually push you away (now forever)
We should have fought harder you and I (for our love)
For we were (are) two people still very much in love ( you and I cannot deny the facts)
But life has a habit of getting in the way
It saddens me we are so near ,just living 3 miles apart , but you feel so far away that I know we both feel alone and lost
Passion down the of the line…
I do not want emails
or text messages
punctuated with emoticons
I want the warmth
of your words to be turned
into feelings
I want your accentuated lit
to talk to me
down the end of the line
with promises that when we
are together again
your words will
become transposed into passion
Copyright June Bolland 2015
Reminiscence…
Left only with memories
of senses we once shared
and how what remains today
feelings no matter how mutual and amicable the choices we made
we drifted out of sight of one another and of how now in the cold reality
of the day it pain effects us
both and always will
Copyright June Bolland 2015
I missed you today…
I missed you today
I didn’t intentionally wake
with thoughts of you
But I missed you today
I thought to myself
is this how it will be
now you’re no longer here
Will I always have times
When I sometimes think
I wish you were here
and will I have day’s like today
when I missed you my dear
Copyright June Bolland 2015
She…
I was going to write a review of 2014 , but to be honest it’s a year I personally wish to forget.I had an occuring bipolar episode which has effected me most of the year. I nearly lost the love of my life because I pushed her away, she left me for abit, but thankfully returned.Since then she has been at my side every step of the way.
I’ve never met a person with so much love and compassion. Dedicates most her time to helping and caring for me and her loved ones with no hesitation and never asks for anything return.
So I’m taking her away on a lovers holiday in the New Year to say thank you and to show her that no amount of words or poetry can really express the love I feel for her, sometimes showing her is far more important, anyway we’re going to spend some much dedicated time to all the things she loves to do and had missed out on for so long (one being Beach walking).
Darkness…
Darkness invades my head
and the room where I lie
broken
Darkness hides my distorted thoughts and
My tears
Yet Darkness is where you hold me
In our love
And where we dance under the spotlight
Of the moon
Silhouettes are not required tonight …
Tonight I need your touch
I want to witness the love that stares
back at me
No pieces of shadows do I want to see
dancing on the wall in rhythmic formation
For silhouettes are not required tonight
Tonight I want our love to be surround by light
Where the soft hue outlines your beauty
In all its wondrous sublimity
Tonight I want our love to be shared amidst
The dimmed lights
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Scars and broken vases…
How would I feel?
How would I react?
To possibility that
I could meet you again
The thought of it chills me to my core
Not that I should be scared
Of upsetting you anymore
Or upset at
Remembering the things
You did
Bites, kicks, closed fist and of how I hid
I have a montage of scars concealed
And broken vases fixed
I probably try to evade you
But If I were to meet you again
I’d probably pity you
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
I get to see the sunrise…
Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value things I believe in. I feel I should introduce newer followers to my mum aka (DB). How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, thankfully my girlfriend gets this and understands this and does not feel threatened by it.
My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing (they destroyed her eardrums ) . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he work his fingers to the bone to pay for my mum to go to a specialist boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then , there were no day schools for deaf children then . As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have! She overcomes obstacles the world tries to challenge her with instead of grumbling why they’ve put them there in the first place. She is a true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!- It definately did this year , this year we helped each other out. )
My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key kid !
When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk, and is subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and skin cancer yet she is still with us.With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself.
They say that you only get one mother and mine is special. I became her carer 25 years ago when she was no longer able to walk, stand ,shower/ dress herself . As a family we agreed we did not want to rely on strangers and so far we haven’t (apart from when she has been in hospital). I work part time to look after DB , this means that week days mornings are regimented up at 4 , so I can get her ready , then its off to sort myself out . It breaks my heart to have to get her up so early , but she always says at Ieast I am lucky I get to see the sun rise.
I have one aim in life and that is to ensure that DB has the best quality of life, that she’s happy , for however long that maybe.
It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!
So that’s it , my mum summarized in a blog, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I’m lucky with mine
Your body is the verse…
Your body is the verse
To which I serenade
Under the moonlight skies
Your body is the verse
I adore
With its sweet melody
It rocks me
Your body is the verse
your tune
your humming
makes me want to dance to its rhythm
and join in the chorus and sing out loud
Your body is the verse
that holds me in my sleep
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Reminiscing …
As autumn falls from the skies
We walk a while
Reminiscing of a summer
Now long gone
Of when you and I first met
Just before our great love affair
begun
When you asked if I believed in love
I remember I did not reply with words but a kiss
Stood there stationary in the harvest rain
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Hidden meaning…
You know my true feelings
Beneath my touch
You know my true words
Beneath the ink
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
An unbreakable bond…
What is love
Love is like dancing
Under a moonlit sky
Love is the feeling you
When you release a captured butterfly
Love is knowing you are there to hold
Love is knowing that when we fight
We are human enough
To admit when we are wrong
Love is you knowing every secret held in my soul
Love is having an unbreakable bond
Love is you and I
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
In your entirety…
Ours lips lock
Swirling of tongues
As I taste your kisses
I feel the softness of you
Lying there under me
In slow motion I caress
Your breasts
Everyone of my kisses are waiting
To explore you in your entirety
And as I journey further down slow
I rest between your thighs
I hear your mellow sighs
As I enter you
And ecstasy awaits you
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
MONDAY’S OFF…
LET’S GO WALKING IN THE PARK
AND DANCE AMONGST
THE AUTUMN LEAVES
LET’S GO BEACHWALKING
AND SIT A WHILE
AS THE SEA WASHES THE PEBBLES
AND MAKES THEM SHINY AND NEW
LET’S GO DRIVING AND LOUDLY SING SONGS
AND FORGET THE WORDS HALF WAY THROUGH
AND BELLY LAUGH WHEN WE DO
LETS STAY AT HOME AND MAKE THE MOST OF THE
TIME WE HAVE ALONE
I DON’T CARE
WHATEVER WE DO
AS LONG AS I SPEND IT WITH YOU
COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND
Velvet Skies…
Let us watch the moon rise
Let the daylight be hidden
By the dark velvet skies
Let us share ourselves
In all that is forbidden
And wake when the
Sun has risen
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Horizontal Love…
Hands locked
Fingertips touch
Eyes stare gaze fixed
Parched lips kissed
Redundant hand I caress you
Wanting tongue I explore you
In horizontal love
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Girls with no names…
I was never the settling down type
I didn’t buy the whole relationship thing
I didn’t believe in all the hype
I played the field
I kissed so many girls with no names
Broke so many hearts
to my shame
But non were ever good enough to last
And so quickly I moved on
Until there was you
Now I see myself growing old with you
As for the whole relationship thing
I’d say our matching rings say everything
Never again with there be anymore with no name
That was in the past
For your name is tattoo on my heart
I promise never to break your heart
Because I love only you
LOVE IS SAT THERE ON THE SOFA…
THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT MY PARTNER
SINCE NOW I HAVE BIPOLAR
THAT SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH
TO STAND BY ME NO MATTER WHAT
REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY TIMES
I PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH HER AWAY
THAT SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH
THAT WE AGREE TO TALK
IN FRONT OF STRANGERS
IN THE QUIET ROOM
THE ROOM THAT CALMS US BOTH
THE ROOM THAT CLEARS OUR MINDS
TURN OUR FEELINGS INTO WORDS
BRIDGES THE VOID
WHERE THE THIRD WHEEL SITS
BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH
LOVE IS SAT THERE ON THE SOFA
HOLDING MY HAND
TURNING WORDS INTO FEELINGS
LETTING ME KNOW
WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS
BECAUSE SHE REALLY DOES LOVE ME ENOUGH
COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND
Paranoid thoughts…
You are the silhouette in the corner of my room
You are the sorrow snake that that writhes
Around in the pit of my stomach
You are the ice creature with human eyes
That follow me everywhere
You are the presence in the room
I cannot see
I can only feel
You are every fear I hold within
You are the pain that wants
To turn myself inside out
You are my paranoia
My paranoid thoughts
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY…
THINGS I HAVE LEARN’T SINCE HAVING BIPOLAR
CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY
EVEN THOSE ONES MADE FROM THE TABLE CLOTH
HANDED DOWN THE GENERATIONS
THEY LIED TO ME
THE VOICES IN HEAD
BECAUSE GRAVATION MAKES YOU GO SPLAT
AND YOU’LL END UP HAVING AN OPERATION
TO FIX YOUR BUSTED ANKLE
SO CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY
OTHER THINGS I LEARNT TOO
IS IF YOU PEEL BACK YOUR SKIN
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD
TOLD ME TO DO
THE SKIN IS ICE BLUE
BÚT THEY LIED TO ME
MY SKIN IS PINK
MY VEIN ARE BLUE
SO NEVER TRUST THE VOICES INSIDE YOUR HEAD
AND IGNORE EVERYTHING THEY TELL YOU TO DO
COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND
Happy…
Timelines are irrelevant to me
The past is exactly where it should be
With its contents that are no longer important to me
The future is exactly where it should be
With its contents I cannot yet see
This here and now is the only thing that
Interests me
Because I share it with you
And all its simple pleasures
In summer sitting under shady oak trees
Beaching walking and running from the swirl of the sea
Sitting at cafes, chatting, people watching, drinking copious
Amounts of tea
So why waste time on the past, the future
When what we have now is free
And that is to be happy
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
When the bough breaks…
When the bough breaks
His body will fall and
Lie there alone on the floor
No more pain and anguish
Will he feel
No more stigma will he face
For time will stand still for him for evermore
But for those left behind
Those that loved him
The pace of time will not changed
For tomorrow will still turn into today
And the memory of his lost will never go away
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Written and posted for World Mental Health Day 10/10/2014 and for all those of us and our families that are affect by mental health issues and in memory for those who have lost their battle to Mental health and the families they have left behind.
Bubble wrap…
You’re constantly worrying
About my moods becoming low
You say you want to protect me
Like a fine china mug
If they do
And wrap me up
in a bubble wrap hug
You’re constantly watching me
Checking to see if I am
Acting TOO well
Just in case I’ve been missing my meds
That if I become too high
I know you’ll be there to make THAT call
Like bubble wrap lying on the floor
I know you’ll be there to break my fall
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
” Say Cheese”…
Age 8
School photograph
“Say Cheese”
And dutifully I did
I grinned from ear to ear
The widest grin
There has ever been
Because I wanted to please them
I never wanted to worry them
But I did
I withdrew so far away
To a place I barricaded myself
Within the isolation that was myself
I was grinning no more
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Inner landscapes…
The inner landscape
Of me
Is damaged
Is broken
That one slip and I will fall
Between the cracks
Into the hell
That is my
Damage mind
But love will
Always be stronger
So with the strength
Of your arms
You pull me back through
Between the cracks
You hold on tight
Prevent me slipping into
The hell that is my
Damage mind
Because love is
Always stronger
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Bound by the thread of time…
Our love is not bound by the thread of time
It not dependent on the worldly elements
This earth has offers
Our love does not need them in order to survive
We are spirits
And our love
It soars like icarus should have
It is love is not bound by the thread of time
But by the ribbons of the fates
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Between the lines…
Hopelessly my mood began to trickle slowly
Through an hour glass
Everything familiar things began to disappear
Reality and fantasy became immersed into one
Life became deluded as I tried to balance my mood
Whilst I juggled those words I’d hope fall into verse
Persecution of the mind began
There was no time to ask for help
My mind spiralled out of control
I need to stay strong
Eventually I had enough faith
That someone would read between the lines
And see that I had written Help me!
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Just a simple thank you…
This a very quick post .
Just wanted to say to those new followers thank you so so much for now following. For those who have been following for a while thank you for remaining to do so.
It’s nice know people like the stuff I share especially when its translated from my brain to the blog , I sometimes lack the confidence with the words I want to share, having you as an audience even if its just one or two of you reading makes a huge difference.
Apologies for not thanking you individually , just been far too busy studying linguistics , researching, translating and filming things for up and coming exams to find the time . But no matter how busy I was I still wanted to THANK YOU! .
Egos go splat…
I’m tripping of over egos
That lay lying on the floor
Splat!
There goes another one
sometimes the ego
Becomes too big for the people
That are responsible for looking after them
they over balance because
Some people just let them get too fat
So be careful of the
misplaced ego’s
That lay lying on the floor
Make sure you look after your’s
Before you too go
Splat
And you’re the one who
Lays lying on the floor
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
DRESS LIKE SPIDERMAN …
SOME PEOPLE WISH FOR RICHES
TO DRIVE IN FLASH CARS
MERCEDES OR PORCHE TO NAME BUT TWO
SOME PEOPLE WISH FOR EXPENSIVE THREADS
TO ADORN THEIR BACK
BY WEARING DESIGNER SUITS
SOME LIKE TO FLASH THEIR CASH
TO GO SHOPPING IN EXPENSIVE STORES
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO FORGET TO REMEMBER
ME I’D LIKE TO GO BACK TO 1971
REMEMBER HOW COOL IT IS WAS TO BE A CHILD BACK THEN
TO BE 5 YEARS OLD
DRESS IN YOUR SPIDERMAN COSTUME
YOU GOT FOR CHRISTMAS 1970
TO BE RIDING YOUR BICYCLE
WHILST YOU PEDDLE DOWN THE ROAD
OF POPPING BLACK TAR BUBBLES ON WARM SUNNY DAYS
MAKING BIRDS NEST OUT FRESHLY CUT GRASS
OH TO BE A CHILD A AGAIN IN 1971
COPYRIGHT JUNE BOLLAND 2014
A journal to survival…
Leaving
It’s been 8 months 15 days
Since my thoughts disappeared
Into the blueness of my mind
Until nothing of me was left behind
Deeper I withdrew myself a little more
each day
I did not realised you leaving
Lost
It been 8 months 4 days
Since I let you slip away
And my demons arrived to stay
To cavort and taunt me
They would not let me be
I tried so hard to beat them
But soon I began to realise
they had won and I had lost
Hallucinations
It’s been 4 months 22 days
When the voices arrived
They mocked me
I was petrified
I witness my own death
And my own cremation
This was the being of
the hallucinations
Recovery
It’s been 3 months 15 days
I did not know what to do
I called for your help to get me through
Even though we were no longer lovers
You arrived in the middle of the night
You calmed me and reassured me
You told me you be there and help me recover
Survived
It’s been 2 months 2 days
When for the first I day awoke
I could smile
It been a while after all the
days and months sat in darkness
But I realised I was still alive
That I had survived
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
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